Stop Making It Easy

I've been thinking about something lately. A guy I loved a lot...and how I used to work overtime to make as much as possible "easy" for him.

And 20/20 hindsight is making me wonder why in the world I ever did that...

I think women are classicly plagued by two entirely different challenges...all at the very same time. We wrestle with being "too much" and "not enough". Having this internal struggle alongside the desire of finding Mr. Right is a recipe for disaster. And in my case...it became about making everything as "easy" as I could so that he never had to deal with the burden of "me". Maybe so he would also stay???...could be.

What a colossal CROCK!

Men are truly wired to step it up in the pursuit of the feminine heart...at least, a man who isn't passive is. Our mystery...and our challenge...is necessary for him as much as ourselves. It calls him out into a fantastic adventure of the heart...WITH US!

So...don't you ever be "easy".

I did...I was always available. I was always accomodating. I always listened. Rarely challenged.

It SUCKED!

At least...I became more aware of how much it sucked by the end. And once I saw it, there was no undoing it. There was nothing delightful about "easy", and there was no more pursuit in him to believe I was actually more. No matter how much I tried it was the "norm". I was "usable", and anything beyond "easy" was shot down. So, the last "easy" thing I did was to finally walk away. I gave him the easy out so he didn't have to worry about how to close things off.

Come to think of it...all the work of making it "easy" for him was actually extremely difficult for me. I couldn't be myself, and while not being physically alone, I was desperately lonely. When I really and truly wanted to change...it was too late and unacceptable.

So...let me say it again...don't you ever be "easy". Your mystery is so key to who you are...wonderful you!

An Amazing Lady

I thought I'd put this out there...it's a very interesting blog. This young lady decided to go to Africa to help a particular group of orphaned children. She's only 20! Oh...and she's also the adoptive mother of several little girls. Her latest post is about how she decided to part ways with her fiance because she feels God is continuing to call her heart to Africa. What an amazing lady!

Challenging Blog

Break Even

Man, I've been on both sides of this song!!! It's been on my mind lately.

Single Lady Valentine's Party

This year, I decided to throw a dinner party for a few of my single friends as a Valentine's Day celebration. One thing we all have in common is that we each desire to find a man someday...BUT...aren't just desperate to find any warm body. It was SO good to be with other ladies that understand what it is to have an unmet desire but still have a great love for God and a passion and drive for our particular dreams. Thriving in the midst of desire. So, I highly recommend doing something like this! Not only is it good for the heart, but it's great and hilarious fun!! Comparing blind dates???...my sides still ache from laughter! :)

A Nice Reminder

A friend posted this today on Facebook, so I thought I'd pass it along to you!

On this day, God wants you to know...
...that your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. God loves you with the very air you breath, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere...

Sometimes Wynonna Just Knows

Letting go of the Best Friend

And now for something...difficult...the boy who became the "best friend".

It just sort of happened because we both were in circumstances where we needed someone. So, we helped each other. It was full of bumps and mistakes. But...there were moments where I felt totally safe. Those moments invited me to open up...and if you are familiar with "girl" even remotely, I began to love him as my closest friend. Well, when he decided he wasn't interested in "more", this girl had to do something to save her extremely open heart. I had to because I want so much more than a seat on the sidelines of someone else's life...you know? I want a man who can be my best friend and so much more...

It's been very interesting...and heartbreaking. God has been so good to help me close the door of my heart more and more. It has taken a lot of time because it's something that doesn't feel natural...but it's been happening. Every now and then I discover another string connecting myself to him. One that I have to figure out how to snip...:( But, the seperation can and does happen.

And someday you breathe again...someday you laugh again...someday you dance again.

There's a verse that says, "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." It's so true!...It's our most valuable possession. So...from someone who has had to work very hard to recover it, take care of your precious heart. It's meant for someone who wants more...:)

A Note about the "Marrieds"

I think when I talk about the "Marrieds" sometimes it seems like I'm saying that all of my married friends basically view me with pity.

So not what I mean at all...

Certainly it's the ones that do think that being married is the "It" of life that I refer to...

But, I have to say that I certainly have been richly blessed with true friends...who are not driven by circumstances in their approach to my situation, dreams, etc. Isn't that great?? Oh my goodness...to have friends and family that can be real to me...and expect that from me as well...without it having to do with anything other than our love and respect for each other..well, it's wonderful.

So, my advice for you...love the people in your life who are more than the roles and responsibilities of their lives. And...be that kind of person too!!!

My Best Friend's Wedding

Sometimes, I run across movie clips that I can so relate to. Here's one from the Julia Roberts film, "My Best Friend's Wedding".

Single Ladies by Beyonce

The Blind Date Chronicles...Part 3

But THEN there was the carpenter...

I don't know if siblings just know better, but my sister hit a home run with this one. Even though it didn't end up working out, he...was...great!

He was what I call a "Step Towards" kind of man. He put a little pursuit into the mix...he aimed to get to know...me. On my first date with him, he showed up on his motorcycle because he knew that I really wanted to ride one someday. I got a terrible burn from the exhaust pipe, but to this day, I love that scar. :) The dinner that night was really simple...pizza and Diet Coke. His reasoning??..."These are two things that I know you like so far..."

For some reason, these tiny detail things??...well, I was eating it up! Up until that point, I'd never had a man want to know...me.

So, cheers to the carpenter. It was nice to see how I looked in his eyes. :)

The Blind Date Chronicles...Part 2

Then there was on-line dating...

OK...I actually am not against this form of meeting people. There are a lot of nice guys out there. However, there are also some belonging to the Quirky Club.

The Pilot...

So, I had a profile on eharmony.com. My sister and I were surfing the options one night when we happened upon a face that was familiar to her. As we delved into his profile, she realized that she knew him from a charity dinner. As such, we typed up an email asking if he was affiliated with the organization that she suspected.

Well, he replied.

Specifically, he wanted to go out right away!!!

I should have known the instant I saw him. He looked at me like he was hearing the "Sound of Music" in stereo. He wanted to see the movie "Amazing Grace" before going to dinner. On the way into the theater, he commented that the last movie he'd seen was "The Nativity" about 6 months earlier. I kept my mouth shut because the last movie I watched was "Saw". Enough said there.

After the movie, we went to eat. He filled me in on all of his thoughts on relationships and how hockey exemplifies the perfect scenario. Oh yes...it gets better. He said that hockey is just like love...the men out playing while the women cheer them on from the stands.

Well...my kind of hockey is co-ed...on the ice and in the stands.

After dinner, I headed home. He called my cell to make sure I was getting home alright...that was after about 4 minutes apart.

Then he emailed.

I replied.

Then he emailed again. Want to know his question?

After knowing him for TWO WEEKS, he wanted to know if I was on board with moving towards "forever".

Eeek...two weeks?? So, I told him that I probably wasn't ready to make that kind of call right now.

Yep, I broke the poor guy's heart.

Why did he have such gusto??...the email about my sister recognizing him was a "sign" that I could be the one.

Poor guy...

The Blind Date Chronicles...Part 1

Hahaha! I hate to say it, but even though they are more consistently traumatic, going on a few blind dates is...entertaining. ;) Ok, well, 'entertaining' in the months after your shock and terror has worn off. HAHA!

So, I'm going to tell you about a few of mine...

By the way...have you ever wondered what your friends were thinking when they set you up with certain people??? They seem to think it's going to be a "Grrreat" idea...and when it's over, I'm left wondering if my friends really like me in the first place. :)

First...the cowboy.

Pre-date Information: Nice guy, a little older.

Umm...well...he was actually nice...and he was actually...older. A lot older! Of course, older is sometimes nice because an older man tends to know about manners and chivalry. Seems really great...until you see the belt buckle. A buckle larger than the moon! Add to that the shirt unbuttoned to the fourth hole with chest hair crying out for liberation...I think it actually waved at me on several occasions. The conversation was good, but he mostly talked about how great it was going to be to introduce me to his mother...after one blind date.

Well...that was a "no"...

Share Your "Self"

This seems a little ironic compared to my last one, but it's really not. Women tend to be relational in nature...it's a wonderful gift. :) We also have amazing gifts, talents and desires. Why in the world do we think that all of those have to wait for a man to unlock? You wouldn't believe the women that do!!!...all of whom find out that this is not true. Certainly a partner can enter and enhance the journey, but you don't...and shouldn't...have to wait for him to begin.

So get started! Go share yourself!!!

What do you love? What do you want to learn and discover? Is there a class you can take or someone who can mentor you? Who in your life needs what you can give? Are there places to volunteer that line up with your heart-driven loves?

Even a tiny change becomes a great adventure! Enjoy!

The "Go To" Girl NO MORE!

Here's a strange notion that I've run into...some of the "marrieds" tend to think that we "singles" have nothing to do. Clearly, because we don't have the other full-time jobs of marriage and family, we just sit at home at night...bored. ;) As such, we become easy prey for the "can you do this for me?" questions or the "you should..." directives. All to fill that "free time". (I don't know about you, but there's been no such thing for me for a loooong time!)

Well...the straight shootin' is this: You are NOT everyone's errand girl! Do what you want to do! Help where you want to help...but DON'T do anything just because you've been fed the "singles have more time" bit.

Throw Yourself a Shower

Here's the rub...women getting married have bridal showers, soon-to-be-mothers have baby showers. MEN in the partnerships of both of those situations even get showers now-a-days.

Single gals???....ZIP, NADA, NOTHING! Instead, we GO to everyone's shower.

Living on my single income, I got tired of garage-saling all my household items and taking all the leftovers after roommates became engaged and received their shower gifts. So, I started saving for those fun things (and of course still grab the quality hand-me-downs and yard sale items), and every now and then I run out and buy myself a new shower gift. The other day I got my first kitchen mixer. Oh my goodness!!...That has been so much fun!

Here's another idea...get together with your single friends...well, heck, any of your marrieds too...and have a single gal shower!! You could all even do theme showers on occasion!!! OOOO...fun!

Make Peace with your "Big"

There's a show that I can't entirely recommend (but one that has great moments mixed in with the mayhem). So why am I bringing it up? One of the characters is a GREAT example of the man that we often need to "face the facts" over but often don't want to.

His name is "Big".

He's the man that shows up when he wants to and when he wants something. The interactions are usually about him, and then he disappears when he's done. And she...lets him.

Totally a situation of USING. It's perpetuated, of course, by the fear of loneliness that the woman bears. A little something is better than nothing...oh dear. To be honest...it can be a mutual using as she gets something out of it too. It may even be the hope that she will be the beauty that tames the beast...maybe so he'll turn around and rescue her right back.

Messy.

And a waste of heart.

So...it's time to make peace with your "Big". Cut things off...get your "self" and your self-respect back.

Also...take credit for your willingness to be a part of an arrangement like that. You need to be a better friend to yourself...and the men in your life.

Shall We Dance?

Yep! That's right! Dance! Get your favorite music and turn in on "LOUD". I don't care if you have rhythm or "creative movement abilities"...just dance!! :)

Make Peace with the Lonelies...

It's on those significant days...birthdays, holidays and the like...where we tend to feel the worst about our "singleness". Add to that the expectation that we "shouldn't" be alone...especially on days like this. Well...it's not so much about the day to be perfectly honest. No, it's about a fear.

Time to take the bull by the horns...

"Survive" a night alone...and find that you lived! Actually, find that you thrived!!!

I did this to myself when I first realized my desperate fear. I actually spent a New Year's Eve...ALONE! I was really anxious about it because it seemed so "unacceptable". But it was actually one of the most wonderful nights. I got stuff together for a spa night (including painting my toes). I made a great dinner. I rented a movie. I even got a journal for evaluating the previous year and making some goals for the new one, and I spent some time doing that.

Oh my gosh!!! It was such a "peace in my heart" night (and I wasn't even intoxicated...hehe). I really felt like I was being "re-aligned".

OK...but yes...it was hard at first. I really had to fight off the "you are alone" thoughts and feelings sometimes, but my goodness, when I did???...when I told myself the truth???...when I spent time taking care of myself???...it produced such peace.

So...if you haven't done so, DO IT! I dare you! ;)

Make a List and Check it Twice!!!

When I realized that I was only surviving life without my "him", I was horrified. Clearly, my heart was screaming that I was meant for more than a life of plodding...and hiding. So I made a list. Well, actually I had a real heart-to-heart with myself first, telling precious "me" that I was worth so much more. I even forgave myself and found some peace in that place.

And THEN I made my list. :)

If you've seen the movie "The Bucket List", you know where I'm going. Although my "Life List" is full of simple and complicated dreams. It's constantly evolving as I discover more and add those items. I have to tell you that it gives me such pleasure to cross something off...and such excitement when I find something else that I simply must do.

I think I'm up to 70 items, and I've crossed off over 20 to date. Here are some examples:

1) Learn more about Greek mythology
2) See a swan
3) Ride in a twin-engine airplane
4) Get a hot stone massage
5) Go to Sitka, Alaska
6) Smoke a cigar
7) Make Indian food
8) Get some artistic nude photos done
9) Jump in a fountain
10) Get a tattoo

It goes on and on...

I know it may seem trivial, but there's someone magical in each of us. Sometimes even the littlest thing helps her be invited to come out and play...and stay!!!...even when life isn't exactly how we'd planned. ESPECIALLY when life isn't what we'd planned!!